Monday, June 4, 2012

Is Your Spouse Addicted to Exercise?



Dear Abbey:

What can I do to slow down my husband's compulsive exercising? He runs every morning at 5:30, even in the rain, even when we're traveling somewhere on vacation. In the afternoon he rides his bike and lifts weights. Sure, his body is lean and mean, but his working out gets in the way of activities with me and our children. He says he's just trying to be healthy.

Dear Reader:

You're correct in asking, why is moderation so difficult? People who insist on doing anything in excess usually defend their behavior with a good excuse. Your husband says he's just trying to stay healthy. But if that was his only reason, then surely he could miss exercising for a day or two a week and his health wouldn't suffer. To believe otherwise is somewhat delusional.

Then why won't he?

Intense behaviors often are connected to a feeling of anxiety, which is a variation on fear. Humans are driven by fear and desire. Fear describes everything negative: death, illness, poverty, loneliness, hunger, insecurity. Desire describes things we want: status, togetherness, comfort, security. To be alive means to feel anxiety about something.

A typical and dysfunctional way to deal with anxiety is through an addiction, which provides immediate relief from anxiety. You know you're in the grip of an addiction when stopping the behavior creates anxiety. Your husband is addicted to exercise, just as other people are addicted to food, dieting, work, money, nicotine or alcohol.

But his anxiety is not real; it's created inside his own mind. Unfortunately, the addiction can take on a life of its own. The anxiety created by stopping the addiction feels absolutely authentic.

What's the difference between authentic anxiety and the false version that drives most of us crazy? There's a simple test. Suppose your husband said, "If I don't exercise today, what happens to me?" The answer would be, "Nothing serious." Sure, he'd feel nervous or insecure, which is why he has created the compulsive need to exercise: to deal with the nervousness and insecurity.

Try substituting anything into that sentence. "What will happen to me if I don't eat this candy, drink this beer, work another three hours, etc.?" The answer would most likely be the same: Nothing serious. Just anxiety.

The next question would be: "What will happen to my relationship if I continue the addictive behavior?" If the behavior is occasional, the answer would also be "nothing." The damage of any addiction is that it's continuous and unchangeable, and has some kind of negative consequence.

Your husband has created a "belief system" that has transferred his anxiety about life into one behavior: exercise. He uses exercise to calm himself down, to make himself feel more secure. Because, however, he is part of a committed relationship with responsibilities toward your children, he owes it to you to take a more moderate path.


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